The Church of Trump

[Tarragon]

What sort of scenes and rituals do you think they would have in a Church of Trump?

First, everything in the cathedral would be gold.

Baptism would be, you guessed it, by Golden Shower.

The woman have to wear robes of sewn twenty dollar bills, which they have to surrender at the end of the service as an offering. Don't worry, they strip behind the curtains, so only Trump gets to come in and see them naked.

His laying of hands is by grabbing you by the crotch. No, it's not faith healing, it's just that Trump works in mysterious ways.

Communion is when he takes you out to dinner to tell you that you're not saved. Don't worry, you're not excommunicated, he'll keep communicating with you on twitter to tell you how bad you are. Sad.

Everyone in the church works for charity. No, you didn't realize it at the time, but when he refuses to pay you, you write it off on your taxes as "charity."

Trump's Tax returns are stored in the OT, Old Taxes, but since it's a mystery religion, no one gets to see them.

The New Testament is where Trump reveals that he inherited America from George Washington in his New Will and Testament, which was recently discovered. This also gave him the right to Grab Women by the pussy, because something something chopping down cherries.

Combing your hair over and spraying it down is a holy sacrement.

When you die, and you will because the Church doesn't believe in healthcare, all your money goes to the Trump.

[Swift]

There is only one God and Trump is his name.

Each of the commandments is limited to 140 characters.

Trump am the Lord God. Other Gods bad
Graven images must be of me. Gold good.
Alternative names of me are bad
Sabbath day go to my cassino
Rich daddy and hot momma good
Kill bad people. And that guy from CNN; very bad
Adultery with ugly girls bad. Pre-nups are good
Stealing from me bad
Alternative witness good
Coveting is good. Covet all the shit I got, but don't touch.

[Tarragon]

And every evening, children of the faithful are taught how to saw their tweets:

Our Donald who art the President. Trademarked be thy name. They Blingdom come, Bannon's Will be gone, in America like it was in Nazi Germany. Give us this day our Electoral Cred - because we totally won in a landslide, everyone says so - and give us our sins, so that we may sin against your enemies. And lead us not into Temptation - 'cause you can totally have whatever you want - But deliver us from evil - like the New York Times, they're totally biased and everyone knows it - For thine is the Oval Office for as long as you want it, but let's face it, you have better things you could be doing, ruling over us is such sacrifice for you, seeing how bad those Dumb Democrats are. Sad.